why do i still keep thinking about you?

get out of my head.

i haven’t spoken to you in months, and yet i constantly find you creeping into my mind. it was just a fling. that’s what i tell myself anyway. i tried to keep you at arm’s length so it wouldn’t develop into anything more, but you broke down my walls and let yourself in. i met you after you finished work—it was pouring with rain. you found me an umbrella, even though i told you i already had one. you towered over me, with your hood over your head. i forced you to come run errands with me, and you made no complaints. i could smell the faint scent of cigarettes on you, but i didn’t mind.

after walking around with me, we finally got to the bus stop. we had another little silly argument about how indecisive i am. you told me that next time you saw me, i’d have to decide what we were going to do—and that you wouldn’t let me get off so easily. there was never a next time.

i remember our last hug like it was yesterday. i loved your hugs, they made me feel safe. you’d always hold me close, and when you pulled back i could see the green in your eyes. i’ve always told you how pretty your eyes were, the way they’d crinkle when you laughed. it’s weird i won’t see that anymore, but it’s for the best.

you told me you dreamt about me, said i was wearing that black top you liked. i asked what happened in the dream, but you said you didn’t remember. i could tell you were lying, but i let it slide.

you showed me your outfit for the themed party you were going to. i told you you looked good (i would’ve said more, but i didn’t want to boost your already inflated ego), but i noticed the bandage on your wrist. i asked what happened, but you said you just burnt yourself on the oven—nothing serious. i was glad it wasn’t that bad.

you posted on your instagram, and i told you how i wanted to leave a comment under there but didn’t want your friends finding out anything. you asked me what i was gonna say. i told you, and the only words you had were “that’s for my ears only.” it made me laugh, but i liked how protective you were. my friends asked me who you were when they started to notice the comments you’d leave on my posts. i’d brush them off, not wanting to share you with the world just yet.

you’ve got a new girlfriend. she’s pretty, but she looks nothing like me. i’m happy for you, but can’t help but wonder if i was ever really your type. i can’t go back to the coffee shop, just in case you still work there. it’s been months, but i know it’ll be awkward the minute we come face to face.

i occasionally check up on you—not that i’d ever let you know. we unfollowed each other ages ago. i deleted our conversations and your number. i still have the screenshots, though. i don’t know when i’ll delete them. i sometimes forget they’re there. i’ll stumble on them when i’m going through my photos, and the thoughts of you get stronger. it’s pathetic, really, but then again, i’ve never really been able to get over anything.

The Edge of Seventeen (2016)

---

lol and then my ex-best friend started following him on insta, i hate them both xxx

the tides between 🌊 is free to read for now but you can support me by buying me a bubble tea. your support means the world to me and would help me to keep writing 🫶🏼